i pooped on the table.

the thought process came up again today about more children.

i want more. i came from a family of 8 children, between step siblings, foster siblings and biological siblings, i dont want to deny my son the opportunity to have that bodn with family. matter o fact, i used to want 16. yes i admired the duggars, loved their ways and imagined how awesome it would be.

until i birthed one.

thats kind of a lie for humors sake. it doesnt have much to do with the labor portion, because its true what they say, that you often forget the pain shortly after. thats the 6 week waiting period. by six weeks a woman has forgotten the pain fo healing and delivery and she is likely to actually agree to have sex willingly without much arm twisting.

and i LOVED being pregnant.

yes, towards the end when i piled on 35 lbs in water weight alone, and felt the never ending back pain in my tailbone. Yes, i swelled up so much my reps at work said my legs looked like elephant legs, which i suppose was their nice way of saying "nice cankles, may". Yeah i wanted to sleep ALL THE TIME but could never get comfortable.

but i LOVED seeing my son roll around in my belly. each time was like the first time, my SO, who as they say all men do, didnt feel reality set in until delivery day, he would get so annoyed at my shrieks of joy as i experienced another alien barrel roll in utero.

i LOVED talking to him and reading to him and touching him and feeling him explore the very tiny space. in the words of the Genie in Aladdin "itty bitty living space". and yes, at the end of this glorious selfish pregnancy i did give my son the gift of freedom, and let him out of his shell.

I did miss being pregnant immediately. Heck, i missed being pregnant while in labor.

all 27 hours of it.

the water breaking (which, by the way person who started calling it waters...maybe call it syrup next time, so that an unsuspecting mother isnt surprised as heck at what is trickling from her nether regions.)

the contractions, yeah i remember pretty much indescribable pain, so painful i couldnt even force tears.

the ultimate lack of shame. yes immediately upon being allowed to get into the bathtub to ease pain of contractions i spread eagle so fast i didnt care that the older nurse was seeing my ungroomed nethers and swollen boobies. i didnt care who came in or out, i didnt care about their personal feelings. i let it all hang out. im sure it was lovely (text sarcasm).

i didnt care that when i was pushing i could feel them wiping my poop away. i dont mind it, i mean heck, in what other time in your life is it okay to poo yourself? as an infant and toddler, as a disabled adult in need of assistance, and when youre a pregnant woman delivery an 8 lb human. HUMAN. i pushed a human from my vagina. its still weird to me. want to know what it feels like men? lets put it this way. if i didnt know a baby was coming, i would have felt like this was death. i had to be dying. ill post the birth story for inquiring minds at a later point.

but yes, while i loved being pregnant, actually liked (only in retrospect) the act of delivery and labor, and absolutely love more than anything the joys of being a parent, i dont want 16 anymore.

i cant explain it, i feel like now a smaller family is up my alley. Maybe because i dont have the financial security of the duggars or their quiverfull friends, or the fact that i want to be able to have just a few children that can be my soul mates. but after having J. i am convinced that a couple more will complete my family, but i know thats up to some divine intervention and also biology. heres hoping there is more in my future :]

how many children do you have? did you plan to have so many? do you want more? if you the financial security would you have more?

did you poop on the table? be honest. we're all friends here.