the downs and Up of pregnancy.

pregnancy.

its something that is so important, yet so completely and utterly disgusting.

for weeks you vomit. for no reason. sometimes after a meal. sometimes when you wake up. sometimes when you smell a food. sometimes when you see a food. sometimes when you lay down. when you sit up. when you stand. when you recline. when you talk. move. sleep. wake. you THROW UP.

but then you go to the doctor and you hear the heartbeat. and you smile. and suddenly you forget everything that sucks.

until you get in the car and the drive home makes you VOMIT.

then that passes.

and then you CANT POOP.

you try and try and you cant.

you drink juice and nothing happens.

you sit there and nothing happens.

you eat fruit and metamucil by the lb and nothing happens.

no poop.

then comes the gas. you pass and pass and pass and still, YOU NO POO!

then you go to the doctor, you see your baby on the screen and the doctor tells you the gender. suddenly you become even more connected to the baby. it comes with a name and a personality! it gets a PRONOUN!

its incredible and it makes you SO happy.

(even though you have about 5 additional pounds of fecal waste that has YET TO VOID ITSELF.)

then comes the real fun.

you fart. you ache. you pain. you swell.

your ankles disappear, retreating into your feet like a turtle head.

your legs get stretch marks. your thighs get stretch marks. you get stretch marks on your butt, your hips, your stomach, your pelvis, your boobs.

your belly button starts to harden...and you wonder which way it will go.

and if youre really lucky? your boobs leak. like little bulls-eyes of liquid on your shirts at inappropriate times.

you waddle to and fro. you moan when you roll over. you hyperventilate trying to catch your breath after walking up the 4 steps to the doorway of your house.

your socks begin to leave a rash on the artists formerly known as your ankles.

your shoes dont fit.

your jeans suddenly get elastic.

you start wearing dresses out of necessity not fashion.

you begin to notice you use so much deodorant that you may as well invest in Secret.

at this point youre well into the third trimester. Top of the 9th inning. youve got maybe 4-6 weeks to go and suddenly the fun really starts.

people say all the time "you havent POPPED yet?" or "when IS that baby coming?" or "you are getting SO big!" as if all of these are fun to hear.

and then you start to have really great conversations with your doctor.

Discharge. and then you must describe it. watery, mucusy, clear or white. scented or unscented.

Mucus Plug. *shudder*

Bloody Show.

Hemorrhoids.

everywhere you turn there are nasty terms. nasty side effects. nasty symptoms. nasty-ness.

you start feeling new pains and aches and wondering "what does it all mean?"

and then after 3 weeks of thinking "this is it" your baby will arrive, after having cried wolf so many times, you dont even believe its real labor until youre screaming for an epidural to get close to you and everyone else to get away. either that or your water breaks. you actually begin to hope your water breaks.

if it does? you look down at the puddle around you and think "shoot, now what? i didnt think this thing through." while it will likely happen at home in bed or well into established labor, if youre really lucky? it happens in public.

then your body takes you to a new place. a place you cant explain. a place of unbelievable pain and suffering that by logic should onlky take 5 minutes since youve been building up to this discomfort for up to 42 weeks (did you ever to the math to figure that its 10 months?! not 9? and no one prefaces conception by saying...now this MAY go to 42 weeks....). nope it will take anywhere from 12-30 hours for a normal labor...and the pushing that trakes 10 minutes in movies? can take anywhere from 1-4 hours in a new mother.

you rip.

you burn.

you cry.

you scream.

or if you got the epic spine shot, you feel nothing in your legs and you pee and poo on yourself.

but then...you see that baby. and its incredible.

and 4 months later you wanna do it all over again.

because youre naive and silly. :)

sigh.

okay. these words were spoken from a 37 week pregnant female.

ill check back with my true feelings when NOT in prodromal labor for the 5th day :)

love you baby girl.

i pooped on the table.

the thought process came up again today about more children.

i want more. i came from a family of 8 children, between step siblings, foster siblings and biological siblings, i dont want to deny my son the opportunity to have that bodn with family. matter o fact, i used to want 16. yes i admired the duggars, loved their ways and imagined how awesome it would be.

until i birthed one.

thats kind of a lie for humors sake. it doesnt have much to do with the labor portion, because its true what they say, that you often forget the pain shortly after. thats the 6 week waiting period. by six weeks a woman has forgotten the pain fo healing and delivery and she is likely to actually agree to have sex willingly without much arm twisting.

and i LOVED being pregnant.

yes, towards the end when i piled on 35 lbs in water weight alone, and felt the never ending back pain in my tailbone. Yes, i swelled up so much my reps at work said my legs looked like elephant legs, which i suppose was their nice way of saying "nice cankles, may". Yeah i wanted to sleep ALL THE TIME but could never get comfortable.

but i LOVED seeing my son roll around in my belly. each time was like the first time, my SO, who as they say all men do, didnt feel reality set in until delivery day, he would get so annoyed at my shrieks of joy as i experienced another alien barrel roll in utero.

i LOVED talking to him and reading to him and touching him and feeling him explore the very tiny space. in the words of the Genie in Aladdin "itty bitty living space". and yes, at the end of this glorious selfish pregnancy i did give my son the gift of freedom, and let him out of his shell.

I did miss being pregnant immediately. Heck, i missed being pregnant while in labor.

all 27 hours of it.

the water breaking (which, by the way person who started calling it waters...maybe call it syrup next time, so that an unsuspecting mother isnt surprised as heck at what is trickling from her nether regions.)

the contractions, yeah i remember pretty much indescribable pain, so painful i couldnt even force tears.

the ultimate lack of shame. yes immediately upon being allowed to get into the bathtub to ease pain of contractions i spread eagle so fast i didnt care that the older nurse was seeing my ungroomed nethers and swollen boobies. i didnt care who came in or out, i didnt care about their personal feelings. i let it all hang out. im sure it was lovely (text sarcasm).

i didnt care that when i was pushing i could feel them wiping my poop away. i dont mind it, i mean heck, in what other time in your life is it okay to poo yourself? as an infant and toddler, as a disabled adult in need of assistance, and when youre a pregnant woman delivery an 8 lb human. HUMAN. i pushed a human from my vagina. its still weird to me. want to know what it feels like men? lets put it this way. if i didnt know a baby was coming, i would have felt like this was death. i had to be dying. ill post the birth story for inquiring minds at a later point.

but yes, while i loved being pregnant, actually liked (only in retrospect) the act of delivery and labor, and absolutely love more than anything the joys of being a parent, i dont want 16 anymore.

i cant explain it, i feel like now a smaller family is up my alley. Maybe because i dont have the financial security of the duggars or their quiverfull friends, or the fact that i want to be able to have just a few children that can be my soul mates. but after having J. i am convinced that a couple more will complete my family, but i know thats up to some divine intervention and also biology. heres hoping there is more in my future :]

how many children do you have? did you plan to have so many? do you want more? if you the financial security would you have more?

did you poop on the table? be honest. we're all friends here.