endometriosis.

Endo. i HATE YOU.

i HATE you.

its been 13 years.

and still you crawl up into my uterus like a ninja and tear me apart from the inside.

i swear whenever it gets this bad i utter the same repetitive words..."this is the worst its ever felt" or "its never been this bad before".

all i have to say is eff U-terus :(

i was extremely blessed to have many silent months after BabyBoy was born, i think after i wasnt breastfeeding as much it seems to have come back with the vengeance of an angry ex lover. she went crazy, and has since been ravaging my body twice a month. twice.

on a lighter side, while studying spanish in school i had changed my spell check to Spanish.

this now means everything i write has a squiggly red line under it as if im completely inept at proper grammar and spelling :]

expect nonsensical updates...today will be spent on the sofa.

Top Ten TV Shows?

in no order because im always bias depending on what im in the mood for.

all of these are notable.

Modern Family is one of the greatest shows on television. seriously. i love it.

thats basically it.

watch and enjoy.

How I Met Your Mother.

GO. Watch. Become Cult Follower of this LEGEN-wait for it....i hope youre not lactose intolerant because the next word im gonna say is DARY. :]

The Biggest Loser. i just like feel good tv.

Demetri Martin: Person. hes just funny.

L&O. SVU. I know I shouldnt like it but I DO. also. lots of abbr. i appr this.

Sister Wives....dude...i will say this right now....nothing should be illegal that is harmless that doesnt interfere with the safety of others...this includes all kinds of marriages between people of age. just saying. i LOVE this show. i LOVE this family and i feel like they are great compliments to each other.

19 kids and counting...free parenting tips...

ramsays kitchen nightmares. HOLLA.

i dont remember what number im on.

but myh back hurts. and the baby is in bed. time for cuddling.

(im such a girl.)

i forgot the witty light subject line i had for this entry.

Im not rich.

 

lets face it. Im not even close.

 

I wont let religion muddle a post to be viewed by many a different people. i like to keep it simple and keep people united.

 

but one thing i strongly believe in is giving back.

 

my goal in life is to ultimately be happy, and raise a happy, caring, compassionate child.

I try to keep him involved and completely aware that we live an extremely modest life.

and that some children, some people in general arent even as blessed as we are to have food nightly, a warm home, and our good health.

to keep him, and myself, in check, i try to lead by example.

 

I have certain things that have become staples, traditions if you will.

 

Each holiday season we have and we will pick out a gift or necessity for a child in need. while he is younger it will be toys, but as he grows i hope to expand that to clothes or supplies, so he knows that giving isnt always about the fun things, but the necessities.

 

I also plan to expose him to food banks and food drives, school supply drives, and blanket and coat drives.

 

also, i want him to see me giving in the most important of times...even when we dont have much to begin with.

 

my favorite currently is St. Jude. Maybe its the mom in me that has my heart clamoring to do anythign to help those poor children and their undoubtedly wrecked parents. 

I can usually only give in about 5$ increments, but i know those 5$ can go a long way.

 

Im also a believer in showing that it doesnt take money to make a difference...taking meals to those grieving, or helping someone with a new baby to get some rest, donating items to a local thrift store instead of throwing away; there are countless ways that i need to make myself more aware of to help others and raise my son to be observant to needs as well. Heaven knows ive been on the recieving end enough to know the importance.

 

 

What ways have you contributed? do you have any traditions with your children or ideas to help me in my quest to raise a compassionate child?

 

i know if we all were financially secure we would give monetarily, but for kicks, what cheapy things have you done that can help us make a difference?

 

do you have any stories about your child or family being involved in a great cause? id love to hear em :]

sometimes i miss being pregnant.

sometimes i REALLY miss it. like when im cramping something fierce or bleeding from my hoohah or i really just dont want to be at work...i wish that i was pregnant. people open doors for you, they get you cold beverages, people rub your back and your feet and are super nice. lol ha, lets face it. pregnant chicks have got it gooooood!

ill be honest as ive said before, i loved being pregnant. its like a secret everyone can see but they dont know. weird reference, yes, but hear me out.

for 10 months i got to feel this dude GROW inside of me.

thats insane.

i FELT his HICCUPS for crying out loud.

when i was 16 i had surgery for endometriosis.

a year later i began hormone treatments that put me through a type of synthetic menopause. (see Lupron for more info). 6 months of hot flashes and mood swings. awesome.

10 years of all sorts of birth control to help it...low this, high that, balogna to "regulate me."

it was worth it though.

and since all that, since i experienced what i am experiencing now.

i have wanted to be a surrogate.

i have wanted to grow someone elses child in me. completely 100 % biologically theirs of course, but i have wanted to grow. if they couldnt...i would.

i dont imagine after the first one that my sig other would want me to be pregnant...my body letting itself go pregnancy after pregnancy, and with my scares he would want me to have all of ours first. on top of that i am a moody somfbitch when im with child. at least 100% of the time in my experience :]

people have often asked: wouldnt you be attached? i do agree if it were in some way biologically mine i think i might, but if i can separate it by knowing its in no way my child, i could certainly do it.

what are your thoguhts on surrogacy? any real life stories?

Never Hire a Sexy Nanny?

I stumbled across this article written from a woman who was debating the trouble behind hiring a sexy nanny.

you can find the original article here: http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/never-hire-a-sexy-nanny/

to those coming here form there...herrroooo!

one thing youll notice is that i love giving my opinion, to those who CHOOSE to read it, not parade it in front of others to show them myh opinion is "right" or that theirs is "wrong". opinions are neither of those. so i will write a more in depth response here.

I had a nanny.

she was young, as we also are.

she was 20. attractive, and very petite. im talking size 2 i'd say.

i know my man, and i never had a suspicion of anything that could be shady.

we all became extremely close, and after a year it was hard to see her go. she loved our child like her own, and it was a great experience for all of us.

would i hire a nanny again? yes.

if the finances allowed for it, sure.

i wouldnt choose her based on her looks, but she would have to love being a childcare provider and someone that i could trust. ill tell you that a "suggestive" photo would make me pass along the resume thats for certain, but not out of fear of my SO's infidelity, moreso because i wouldnt want that sort of dressing to be around my child.

i dress modestly i would say, sometimes i wear dresses, and its not Duggar style (no hate, just love). but i dont wear plunging necklines, skin tight jeans (although to be honest, if i were petite i would likely rock a skinny jean, right now its kind of out of respect for the world :] ) and i dont wear anything that would invoke unsolicited and unwarranted sexy thoughts. thats just how i am. and it worked for SO, i have myself a lovely man thing that loves me for me. :]

anyhow. it doesnt matter to me sexy or not, and i can appreciate a good looking woman.

what does matter is my child, and my thoughts on my SO and the nanny arent very involved. i consider my child first, and then consider if its someone that we can all love.

your thoughts may be different, i'd love to hear them, but please, be kind :]

lets also hear from experiences of nannies! if you were one, how was it? any funny anecdotes?

if you had a nanny, how was it? how long did you have one? where did you find your nanny?

i pooped on the table.

the thought process came up again today about more children.

i want more. i came from a family of 8 children, between step siblings, foster siblings and biological siblings, i dont want to deny my son the opportunity to have that bodn with family. matter o fact, i used to want 16. yes i admired the duggars, loved their ways and imagined how awesome it would be.

until i birthed one.

thats kind of a lie for humors sake. it doesnt have much to do with the labor portion, because its true what they say, that you often forget the pain shortly after. thats the 6 week waiting period. by six weeks a woman has forgotten the pain fo healing and delivery and she is likely to actually agree to have sex willingly without much arm twisting.

and i LOVED being pregnant.

yes, towards the end when i piled on 35 lbs in water weight alone, and felt the never ending back pain in my tailbone. Yes, i swelled up so much my reps at work said my legs looked like elephant legs, which i suppose was their nice way of saying "nice cankles, may". Yeah i wanted to sleep ALL THE TIME but could never get comfortable.

but i LOVED seeing my son roll around in my belly. each time was like the first time, my SO, who as they say all men do, didnt feel reality set in until delivery day, he would get so annoyed at my shrieks of joy as i experienced another alien barrel roll in utero.

i LOVED talking to him and reading to him and touching him and feeling him explore the very tiny space. in the words of the Genie in Aladdin "itty bitty living space". and yes, at the end of this glorious selfish pregnancy i did give my son the gift of freedom, and let him out of his shell.

I did miss being pregnant immediately. Heck, i missed being pregnant while in labor.

all 27 hours of it.

the water breaking (which, by the way person who started calling it waters...maybe call it syrup next time, so that an unsuspecting mother isnt surprised as heck at what is trickling from her nether regions.)

the contractions, yeah i remember pretty much indescribable pain, so painful i couldnt even force tears.

the ultimate lack of shame. yes immediately upon being allowed to get into the bathtub to ease pain of contractions i spread eagle so fast i didnt care that the older nurse was seeing my ungroomed nethers and swollen boobies. i didnt care who came in or out, i didnt care about their personal feelings. i let it all hang out. im sure it was lovely (text sarcasm).

i didnt care that when i was pushing i could feel them wiping my poop away. i dont mind it, i mean heck, in what other time in your life is it okay to poo yourself? as an infant and toddler, as a disabled adult in need of assistance, and when youre a pregnant woman delivery an 8 lb human. HUMAN. i pushed a human from my vagina. its still weird to me. want to know what it feels like men? lets put it this way. if i didnt know a baby was coming, i would have felt like this was death. i had to be dying. ill post the birth story for inquiring minds at a later point.

but yes, while i loved being pregnant, actually liked (only in retrospect) the act of delivery and labor, and absolutely love more than anything the joys of being a parent, i dont want 16 anymore.

i cant explain it, i feel like now a smaller family is up my alley. Maybe because i dont have the financial security of the duggars or their quiverfull friends, or the fact that i want to be able to have just a few children that can be my soul mates. but after having J. i am convinced that a couple more will complete my family, but i know thats up to some divine intervention and also biology. heres hoping there is more in my future :]

how many children do you have? did you plan to have so many? do you want more? if you the financial security would you have more?

did you poop on the table? be honest. we're all friends here.

sitting in front of the laptop

spending hours trying to find a replica of my sons "bunny", a white rabbit i picked up at a thrift store at his persistence. it has been and still is the only thing he has ever been completely attached to. despite his mothers crafty attempts at making somethign sentimental for him to grow attached to, that would have a better story.

turns out it was from toys r us, and its somethign that even on ebay i foudn for 35$. for heavens sake i got it at Value Village for like 2 bucks.

but, i know the importance of a spare.

gonna go be awesome and search until this battery dies.

it should make me feel lame and antisocial. instead...i feel awesome. AWESOME.

what does your child latch on to? do you find it healthy? at what point do you break them of it?

im still new to this whole parenting thing...kinda picking it up as i go along.