5 years ago?

how fortunate i am to be able to say i am EXACTLY where i hoped i would be. 5 years ago if you would have asked me "oh, May, where do you want to be in 5 years?" I would have said, "standing beside a wonderful man, staying close to my siblings, and being a mother while working towards pursuing education and a career."

coincidentaly...my life has taken me exactly there.

granted there was a lot of b.s. along the way. but my life is as i want it.

never lose sight of the end result. 5 years from now? still with that wonderful man, with my wonderful children, with education under my belt, and a LOT of smiles in my heart and a lot of sacrifice for others on my sleeve. :] what about you? did YOU accomplish what you hoped?

Peeing on Sticks...

here i am, smack dab in the middle of trying to teach my son to pee on the toilet, and i am peeing on sticks; capturing urine for scientific analysis that happens in two minutes.

those commercials of women pacing with the urine soaked stick on the counter are false.

in reality, regardless of the nature of your trying to concieve or lack there of, you sit, pants around ankles, unknowingly holding your breath, and you watch. watch as the peepee makes its way across the little window, and wait...is that the first line? or the second? is that a real line? is it my imagination?

our minds play tricks on us as we watch, imagining for a split second what we do, or do not, want to see appear.

in my case, though i wanted so much for that little line to appear, it left me paralyzed, standing as if that would show my urgency to the first response life changer in my hands. i stood there, pants and underthings around my ankles, belly hanging every which way, still not quite in tact from the first set of lines i saw 3 years ago. and i waited.

and then i took another test...same expectation, this time sitting bare bottomed on the bathtub.

then a few hours later another...

thats right...i dont believe it the first time.

but it didnt lie. it delivered what it promised.

and in about 9 months, i will deliver what was promised to me.

please keep me in your thoughts for a smooth pregnancy.

this little firefly is so beautiful to me.

we have urine, people. we.have.urine.

i must start by saying i do not love when people post on fb or myspace or twitter about their childrens urinating habits and slash or abilities. but this is my blog, and if youre here, youre entering my world :] welcome. its messy and gross and liekly tmi at some points.

i find potty training to be a personal thing, and its often very emotional and difficult for children.

i know that its taken 3 different attempts to realize that my son is completely physically prepared, but not emotionally by any means.

he cries when he is asked to "sit on the potty" even though he can tell us before he has to go.

hes a smart little bug too. i asked if he had to go to the bathroom prior to bathtime. his response "nah, maybe after the baff mahmee."

after the bath i suggested it againa nd you could his heart visibly sink in his face as if to say "ah man, she remembered...crap."

he sat. and within seconds was going to the bathroom. and im talking more than a woman in her third trimester.

i always make a big deal about it to build his confidence and boost pride, and i gave him the obligatory chocolate milk reserved for going potty without too much fuss.

it was me that felt the emotional excitement.

i realized that no matter how i do at work, what kind of day i have, how may sales i make, or if i meet my goals or even exceed, that nothing outside of my home makes me feel as good as seeing my son pee on the toilet.

honestly i hope when he is 16 years old hogging the bathroom as much as his daddy does, that i can walk past the door and smile remembering the days of me sitting on the floor with flash cards and a smile, hair in a sloppy pony tail, playing dinosaurs and dora, the days of giving in and buying the purple and pink dora seat for my son, making potty games, unshowered and unkempt.

its times like this that it occurs to me this isnt a dream, and holy crap...im a mom.

awesome.

Febrile Seizures....

i recently submitted this story to an online parenting site, heres hoping for publication and awareness!

When my son was about 16 months old he came down with a pretty nasty virus. I had called the advice nurse who had asked the usual questions, suggested tylenol and told me as long as he was acting normal, he was likely just fighting off the bug. His fever was intermittent, and hovered around 102. Night three i called the doctor again and was told to report back in the morning and we could bring him in if he wasnt doing better. We went to bed, and i let him sleep in our room with me so we could keep an eye on him.
i awoke around 1030 to a crying Jude, and within 30 seconds of us being awake he began to shake, rhythmic movements on one side of his body. his eyes glazed over, in a fixed position and his little right arm and leg and head jerked softly. my poor baby was having a seizure. Id like to say i maintained composure, knowing that it was from his fever spiking, but i bawled like a baby screaming for someone to call 911.
it lasted the longest 45 seconds of my entire life, and after he stopped jerking his eyes rolled back into his head and he didnt move. it wasnt long before i noticed his lips starting to change color. i grabbed him, feelin his body limp in my arms. i rushed downstairs and ran to fridge, where i had posted an article from a magazine with first aid tips for young children. I lay him flat and breathed into his burning little body, one, two, three. It felt like forever until i heard his little moan. it was wonderful; just like the first time i heard him cry when he was born.
i rolled him on his side as the paramedics came. They gave me the run down of the event: the seizure was caused by a rapid spike in the fever; he likely had gone up a few degrees in just a few minutes. Febrile seizures arent a real threat if the fever is treated and its more common than most parents may know, and doesnt even require a trip to the emergency room in most cases, just a call to the pediatrician and a followup. Its actually pretty uncommon for them to stop breathing. He likely wouldnt have another; it's only a 20% chance that a child who has one will have another before age 5.
he was taken to the hospital to be observed and to get the fever down.
its been 14 months since that day and my son is a happy two and a half year old boy who hasnt had a problem since. we make sure we keep track of any virus or fever he gets, and let his doctor know. I try not to let my mind wander to what could have happened if i had put him in his nursery like i usually did, or if i hadnt taken those first aid tips from that article.
It also had me reevaluating my reaction in the case of an emergency. I took a first aid class which left me way more comfortable in an emergency than reading directions off of a piece of paper and i encourage every parent to do the same. American Red Cross offers classes, and if you get a group of people together you can even have a personal class and split the cost!
Read up on your first aid, educate yourself, find a pediatrician that you trust, and trust your motherly (and fatherly) instincts.
having situations like these may not be preventable, but you can be prepared. it's my hope though that you'll never need to use it.

Domestic Partnership.

im going to be WAY blunt and im sorry. i may edit this later to be less...harsh?

my love and i have not set a date for our wedding. i dont think we plan to.

i dont want to get married unless all others can. But also, its not fair to me that my love and i cant have a nationwide recognized domestic partnership, in support of those who cant be legally married. why cant straight couples get partnered? treat us all the same, because you know what? relationship preference and sexual orientation makes no one better or worse than the other. however ignorance does.

if i could get a domestic partnership where it would be recognized for healthcare, insurance, taxes and whathaveyou, i would do it. my love is no better because im straight and in a monogamous relationship than someone elses. and i would forego a traditional marriage for a domestic partnership to show my love and support of acceptance.

heres my logic, and i apologize if my words are skewed but im writing in confusion and pain.

Love is beautiful.

another persons love doesnt affect my life.

my love affects my life. my love affects my family.

and i would be torn apart if someone looked at my pure love with him as anythign other than beautiful and tore it apart, or forbade us from happiness and acceptance.

i love you guys and gals, and all that you do and choose.

Love is Love is Love.

for a little bit o laughter.

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling

endometriosis.

Endo. i HATE YOU.

i HATE you.

its been 13 years.

and still you crawl up into my uterus like a ninja and tear me apart from the inside.

i swear whenever it gets this bad i utter the same repetitive words..."this is the worst its ever felt" or "its never been this bad before".

all i have to say is eff U-terus :(

i was extremely blessed to have many silent months after BabyBoy was born, i think after i wasnt breastfeeding as much it seems to have come back with the vengeance of an angry ex lover. she went crazy, and has since been ravaging my body twice a month. twice.

on a lighter side, while studying spanish in school i had changed my spell check to Spanish.

this now means everything i write has a squiggly red line under it as if im completely inept at proper grammar and spelling :]

expect nonsensical updates...today will be spent on the sofa.

Top Ten TV Shows?

in no order because im always bias depending on what im in the mood for.

all of these are notable.

Modern Family is one of the greatest shows on television. seriously. i love it.

thats basically it.

watch and enjoy.

How I Met Your Mother.

GO. Watch. Become Cult Follower of this LEGEN-wait for it....i hope youre not lactose intolerant because the next word im gonna say is DARY. :]

The Biggest Loser. i just like feel good tv.

Demetri Martin: Person. hes just funny.

L&O. SVU. I know I shouldnt like it but I DO. also. lots of abbr. i appr this.

Sister Wives....dude...i will say this right now....nothing should be illegal that is harmless that doesnt interfere with the safety of others...this includes all kinds of marriages between people of age. just saying. i LOVE this show. i LOVE this family and i feel like they are great compliments to each other.

19 kids and counting...free parenting tips...

ramsays kitchen nightmares. HOLLA.

i dont remember what number im on.

but myh back hurts. and the baby is in bed. time for cuddling.

(im such a girl.)

i forgot the witty light subject line i had for this entry.

Im not rich.

 

lets face it. Im not even close.

 

I wont let religion muddle a post to be viewed by many a different people. i like to keep it simple and keep people united.

 

but one thing i strongly believe in is giving back.

 

my goal in life is to ultimately be happy, and raise a happy, caring, compassionate child.

I try to keep him involved and completely aware that we live an extremely modest life.

and that some children, some people in general arent even as blessed as we are to have food nightly, a warm home, and our good health.

to keep him, and myself, in check, i try to lead by example.

 

I have certain things that have become staples, traditions if you will.

 

Each holiday season we have and we will pick out a gift or necessity for a child in need. while he is younger it will be toys, but as he grows i hope to expand that to clothes or supplies, so he knows that giving isnt always about the fun things, but the necessities.

 

I also plan to expose him to food banks and food drives, school supply drives, and blanket and coat drives.

 

also, i want him to see me giving in the most important of times...even when we dont have much to begin with.

 

my favorite currently is St. Jude. Maybe its the mom in me that has my heart clamoring to do anythign to help those poor children and their undoubtedly wrecked parents. 

I can usually only give in about 5$ increments, but i know those 5$ can go a long way.

 

Im also a believer in showing that it doesnt take money to make a difference...taking meals to those grieving, or helping someone with a new baby to get some rest, donating items to a local thrift store instead of throwing away; there are countless ways that i need to make myself more aware of to help others and raise my son to be observant to needs as well. Heaven knows ive been on the recieving end enough to know the importance.

 

 

What ways have you contributed? do you have any traditions with your children or ideas to help me in my quest to raise a compassionate child?

 

i know if we all were financially secure we would give monetarily, but for kicks, what cheapy things have you done that can help us make a difference?

 

do you have any stories about your child or family being involved in a great cause? id love to hear em :]

sometimes i miss being pregnant.

sometimes i REALLY miss it. like when im cramping something fierce or bleeding from my hoohah or i really just dont want to be at work...i wish that i was pregnant. people open doors for you, they get you cold beverages, people rub your back and your feet and are super nice. lol ha, lets face it. pregnant chicks have got it gooooood!

ill be honest as ive said before, i loved being pregnant. its like a secret everyone can see but they dont know. weird reference, yes, but hear me out.

for 10 months i got to feel this dude GROW inside of me.

thats insane.

i FELT his HICCUPS for crying out loud.

when i was 16 i had surgery for endometriosis.

a year later i began hormone treatments that put me through a type of synthetic menopause. (see Lupron for more info). 6 months of hot flashes and mood swings. awesome.

10 years of all sorts of birth control to help it...low this, high that, balogna to "regulate me."

it was worth it though.

and since all that, since i experienced what i am experiencing now.

i have wanted to be a surrogate.

i have wanted to grow someone elses child in me. completely 100 % biologically theirs of course, but i have wanted to grow. if they couldnt...i would.

i dont imagine after the first one that my sig other would want me to be pregnant...my body letting itself go pregnancy after pregnancy, and with my scares he would want me to have all of ours first. on top of that i am a moody somfbitch when im with child. at least 100% of the time in my experience :]

people have often asked: wouldnt you be attached? i do agree if it were in some way biologically mine i think i might, but if i can separate it by knowing its in no way my child, i could certainly do it.

what are your thoguhts on surrogacy? any real life stories?

Never Hire a Sexy Nanny?

I stumbled across this article written from a woman who was debating the trouble behind hiring a sexy nanny.

you can find the original article here: http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/never-hire-a-sexy-nanny/

to those coming here form there...herrroooo!

one thing youll notice is that i love giving my opinion, to those who CHOOSE to read it, not parade it in front of others to show them myh opinion is "right" or that theirs is "wrong". opinions are neither of those. so i will write a more in depth response here.

I had a nanny.

she was young, as we also are.

she was 20. attractive, and very petite. im talking size 2 i'd say.

i know my man, and i never had a suspicion of anything that could be shady.

we all became extremely close, and after a year it was hard to see her go. she loved our child like her own, and it was a great experience for all of us.

would i hire a nanny again? yes.

if the finances allowed for it, sure.

i wouldnt choose her based on her looks, but she would have to love being a childcare provider and someone that i could trust. ill tell you that a "suggestive" photo would make me pass along the resume thats for certain, but not out of fear of my SO's infidelity, moreso because i wouldnt want that sort of dressing to be around my child.

i dress modestly i would say, sometimes i wear dresses, and its not Duggar style (no hate, just love). but i dont wear plunging necklines, skin tight jeans (although to be honest, if i were petite i would likely rock a skinny jean, right now its kind of out of respect for the world :] ) and i dont wear anything that would invoke unsolicited and unwarranted sexy thoughts. thats just how i am. and it worked for SO, i have myself a lovely man thing that loves me for me. :]

anyhow. it doesnt matter to me sexy or not, and i can appreciate a good looking woman.

what does matter is my child, and my thoughts on my SO and the nanny arent very involved. i consider my child first, and then consider if its someone that we can all love.

your thoughts may be different, i'd love to hear them, but please, be kind :]

lets also hear from experiences of nannies! if you were one, how was it? any funny anecdotes?

if you had a nanny, how was it? how long did you have one? where did you find your nanny?

i pooped on the table.

the thought process came up again today about more children.

i want more. i came from a family of 8 children, between step siblings, foster siblings and biological siblings, i dont want to deny my son the opportunity to have that bodn with family. matter o fact, i used to want 16. yes i admired the duggars, loved their ways and imagined how awesome it would be.

until i birthed one.

thats kind of a lie for humors sake. it doesnt have much to do with the labor portion, because its true what they say, that you often forget the pain shortly after. thats the 6 week waiting period. by six weeks a woman has forgotten the pain fo healing and delivery and she is likely to actually agree to have sex willingly without much arm twisting.

and i LOVED being pregnant.

yes, towards the end when i piled on 35 lbs in water weight alone, and felt the never ending back pain in my tailbone. Yes, i swelled up so much my reps at work said my legs looked like elephant legs, which i suppose was their nice way of saying "nice cankles, may". Yeah i wanted to sleep ALL THE TIME but could never get comfortable.

but i LOVED seeing my son roll around in my belly. each time was like the first time, my SO, who as they say all men do, didnt feel reality set in until delivery day, he would get so annoyed at my shrieks of joy as i experienced another alien barrel roll in utero.

i LOVED talking to him and reading to him and touching him and feeling him explore the very tiny space. in the words of the Genie in Aladdin "itty bitty living space". and yes, at the end of this glorious selfish pregnancy i did give my son the gift of freedom, and let him out of his shell.

I did miss being pregnant immediately. Heck, i missed being pregnant while in labor.

all 27 hours of it.

the water breaking (which, by the way person who started calling it waters...maybe call it syrup next time, so that an unsuspecting mother isnt surprised as heck at what is trickling from her nether regions.)

the contractions, yeah i remember pretty much indescribable pain, so painful i couldnt even force tears.

the ultimate lack of shame. yes immediately upon being allowed to get into the bathtub to ease pain of contractions i spread eagle so fast i didnt care that the older nurse was seeing my ungroomed nethers and swollen boobies. i didnt care who came in or out, i didnt care about their personal feelings. i let it all hang out. im sure it was lovely (text sarcasm).

i didnt care that when i was pushing i could feel them wiping my poop away. i dont mind it, i mean heck, in what other time in your life is it okay to poo yourself? as an infant and toddler, as a disabled adult in need of assistance, and when youre a pregnant woman delivery an 8 lb human. HUMAN. i pushed a human from my vagina. its still weird to me. want to know what it feels like men? lets put it this way. if i didnt know a baby was coming, i would have felt like this was death. i had to be dying. ill post the birth story for inquiring minds at a later point.

but yes, while i loved being pregnant, actually liked (only in retrospect) the act of delivery and labor, and absolutely love more than anything the joys of being a parent, i dont want 16 anymore.

i cant explain it, i feel like now a smaller family is up my alley. Maybe because i dont have the financial security of the duggars or their quiverfull friends, or the fact that i want to be able to have just a few children that can be my soul mates. but after having J. i am convinced that a couple more will complete my family, but i know thats up to some divine intervention and also biology. heres hoping there is more in my future :]

how many children do you have? did you plan to have so many? do you want more? if you the financial security would you have more?

did you poop on the table? be honest. we're all friends here.

sitting in front of the laptop

spending hours trying to find a replica of my sons "bunny", a white rabbit i picked up at a thrift store at his persistence. it has been and still is the only thing he has ever been completely attached to. despite his mothers crafty attempts at making somethign sentimental for him to grow attached to, that would have a better story.

turns out it was from toys r us, and its somethign that even on ebay i foudn for 35$. for heavens sake i got it at Value Village for like 2 bucks.

but, i know the importance of a spare.

gonna go be awesome and search until this battery dies.

it should make me feel lame and antisocial. instead...i feel awesome. AWESOME.

what does your child latch on to? do you find it healthy? at what point do you break them of it?

im still new to this whole parenting thing...kinda picking it up as i go along.

random things that you learn when you become a parent.

you CAN beat the hiccups. You simply need to lie down next to a 2 year old trying to sleep, and you find you can hold your breath a lot longer. this is similar to holding in any sort of bodily gasses next to a 14 year old boy so as to not start a trend and mastering the art of doing the dirty silently so as not to wake your brother who lives with you and your significant other :]

just saying.

what anecdotes do you have that youve learned along these lines?

tell me some funny lessons. i enjoy a good laugh.

Good Mothers and Bad others.

Happy mothers day Moms!

since i became a mother, i love reading about mothers. i truly do. reading stories written by mothers, blogs from mothers, reality tv about mothers that really feels like reality and is less scripted than the kardashians :]

on that note, i wanted to bring to light a lot of mothers in the media that i have seen recently that deserve some attention, and also get your take on other mothers i may have overlooked, or havent seen enough of.

Julia Roberts - worked on a project called Extraordinary Moms, and profiled woman like Hilary Clinton and lesser known but appropriately praised mothers. she has always spoken so highly of her children and the experiences she has with them, and has kept them low profile enough to have something that resembles normalcy.

Michelle Duggar, and her daughter in law Anna.

i mention them frequently because i do watch their show. since before their show started and they had specials about their large family i have always been curious and intrigued.

its hard to be a parent sometimes. sometimes, you lose your cool and need 5 minutes in the bath to get your cool back.

sometimes you extend time out longer than you should, or you say words to your husband or wife that may sting a little, and you know what thats okay. we're human. but i love watching the duggars because even with 19 kids, or in annas case, one and a fetus, they always manage to keep their cool. and i truly believe its not just on camera. that woman has to find 38 shoes every day for 19 children. she schedules doctors appointments, homeschools, gets them to the dentist (impossible feat for one child i have found). She works with her children, and they learn responsibility by doing AND by seeing. i dont agree with all of her and her family's practices, dont get me wrong. and i disagree with the negative hype around her, they reuse, homemake, they are frugal yet have the money to take care of all of their children, and they give back to their community and to the world. love it. thats amazing to raise good charitable humans.

Ku-Dos Duggar.

Michelle Obama.

shes just so cool. calm and collected as well. and you always see her with her daughters. im sure living in the white house their may be a nanny or two or three and some hired help...but i see her very hands on, you can tell despite her political and law history she also puts a lot into her family.

Angelina Jolie-

i dont like her movies. i will say that.

but she loves her family. she considers each one brought to her intentionally, which i believe of my own. she has visited many a country and given many a million dollars back into helping out countries. she is an excellent humanitarian who does her work in silence, and she gives a great example for her children. she also exemplifies that sometimes a family can appear broken and be complete, such as choosing to have and adopt children out of wedlock. my man and i have a similar perspective and will one day wed, even if multiple children come out of our relationship first. She speaks of her children as though they are her role models, and shouldnt we all take a page from that book? kids are freakin awesome. I read about her and watch them, and i see a family where each adopted child know that despite their history they are as loved and as much their children as the biologicals. beautiful thing.

these are just a few examples:

we may not be able to know them, but what they show us is beautiful.

bad mothers:

Dora's mom, and her sister whoever that may be. (i haven't seen that episode of godiegogo yet.)

what the heck man. your kid is like 7. she should not be crossing troll ridden bridges and rivers and going through shady forest and playing with robots to save animals.

get down with her mission, and dont just support it, engulf yourself with it.

she shouldnt be climbing mountains and playing with llamas without supervision.

kudos though on teaching her colors and raising her bilingual. thats p. awesome in my opinion.

but seriously. i dont see you working sooooo watch your daughter. and your nephew. hes out playing with jaguar cubs and diving in submarines with your niece.

what about you? who do you consider to be a wonder mother in the public eye?

ugh, a serious post... (vomit)

so.

i dont like these posts.

because id rather the world be butterflies, puppies and rainbows without pain.

im no stranger to pain.

in February 2006 i lost my friend Shane in an auto accident.

in March 2007 I lost my friend Jesse in a river he couldnt overcome.

in January 2009 i lost Andy to a lethal and accidental combination of a prescription medication, and prescription sleep aid.

it has kind of changed me in such a way that i cant even begin to explain.

but ill try anyway.

oh, it tore me about by the heart holes.

i used to be outgoing, loud, vocal, expressive, social.

i am not introverted, overprotective, paranoid, anxious and scared.

i keep my close group of friends, and those that arent extremely close i stay in contact with via texts or social media sites. its something that has recently been revealed to me, that my personality changes were directly influenced by the loss of a friend.

its a strange thing to process, to cope with, that someone you love is gone.

with Shane, i SCREAMED and bawled. with Jesse i sat in the bathroom on the floor for God knows how long. with Andy i felt paralyzed, and thats when the paranoia and the fear set in.

i lost Andy less than two weeks after having my son. and it tore me apart.

i wont lie im sure my personality change and overwhelming and sometimes irrational fears are a form of posttraumatic stress.

but thats not what im writing about.

im writing about something more serious. the thing im most afraid of.

the most important thing in my life is my child. and i fear daily the day will come when he wont be here. and it breaks me to my core.

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

this organization helps parents who's children are no longer here, and offer them completely irreplaceable help and comfort.

as someone who is close to this topic, and knowing how this company has helped a friend, i couldnt not share it.

while i hope more than ANYTHING that NONE of you or anyone you know are faced with the need for these services, i just want it to be known its available so it can help as many as it has to.

much love and respect.

May.

notable sites:

http://kendraandryanwebster.blogspot.com/p/13th.html

http://www.sendmealifeboat.blogspot.com/

http://www.ababynamednathan.blogspot.com/

http://www.adragonflysembrace.blogspot.com/

http://oliviahuelsbergen.blogspot.com/

http://missingyoualwaysjordan.blogspot.com/

additionally, if you know someone who has experienced such a loss, these points may help you to be there for them in the way THEY need, specifically from the mouths of these parents themselves.

check this link out for pointers:

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/helping_the_bereaved/

"well shoot, this is hard...."

while browsing parenting blogs today and watching people recount some hardships in their lives at the moment. im reminded of a recent period of time in my life, that sometimes creeps back up.

i often say how blessed i am that the only thing i have to worry about is money. and its true.

but there are other things that i have to DO to ensure that the only thing i stress about is money.

I work full time, for not enough money and for more stress than my boss or my boss's boss likely has on their shoulders.

I should mention that I work in a city about 50 miles from where my family lives. this involves a lot of commuting and sometimes going without seeing my son while i sleep in my other apartment.

I experienced a period of time when my significant other and i were separated, that i lived life as a single mother. for one year, i was a single mother. still, i am paying on an apartment i rented shortly before we got back together because of a lease, and because i work an hour from where my family lives. add that commute onto a ten hour day and sometimes its just easier to stay in my skeleton of a house.

thats a whole other story. actually itskind of the same story, but the full version of The Single Life of a Parent, will come later.

sometimes it was hard to put good food on the table, there was always food, but sometimes it was a "creative" meal of what was left in the freezer: i.e. dino nuggets blazing through a sea of mashed tater tots and ketchup, or a different variation of oatmeal every day with a choice of food coloring and fruit combinations. Rainbow Mac N Cheese Weekwas kind of a hit, though it looks SO disguting to a 24 year old. the Ramelette, ramen noodles and eggs fried to an omelette. awesome.

hmmm.

during that time i took a vacation because A i needed it, and B my employer paid more money hourly for vacation time than for working time. How? a poorly executed commission based job. taking vacation brought a little more financial security for me for a month i knew id struggle.

calculating my financies to the penny like that was a new place for me. something i hadnt had to worry about, even as a 16 year old working high school student living with 3 roommates. or a 20 year old living on my own. i always remember having money as an adult and even as a teenager, partly because i didnt have it as a child.

but in the words of Single Dad Laughing (www.danoah.com)

"Throw the worst day you possibly can at me. Take me to the edge of my ability to cope. Rip the rug out from under me. Just let me have that when it's all done, and the world will be right again." (that) being his son, and in this case, my son.

im reminded of the best piece of advice i ever recieved, a piece i got even before my son was born, from a friend.

"in three days this will all look different. in three days you wont see things the way you see them now...just get through the next three days."

its beautiful advice. what is absolutely overwhelming one day will look differently seventy some odd hours later after a good cry, a nice long mental breakdown, and possibly a drink or two of your beverage of choice. i prefer coffee for the job... and sometimes coffee with irish creme, or some nice healthy fruit juice, spiked for my pleasure.

now time for you to shine...since i have turned that comment into a whole blog about me, how selfish i am.

what advice do you have for anyone that has gone through a rough time?

Here is (some of) my story.

4 years ago my life was MUCH different.

I watched crappy reality television, ate crappy foods, stayed up wayyyyy too late, worked at a crap job, and just lived.

now i do all those things...but my life has more meaning :]

i had no idea i could love someone so much. no idea i could love someone more than i loved his father. it was incredible.

i was in love from even before i was pregnant, even before we started trying, and failing and then trying again, i knew he would be the love of my life. i didnt realize he would be my soul mate.

i gained 65 freakin lbs when i was pregnant, despite trying not to. (since have lost it all please refer to www.imfluffynotfat.blogspot.com if you care to know that story.)

i went from a vegetarian prepregnancy to a carnivore mid pregnancy (yes i feel guilty about this fact but HELLO? have you TASTED steak and bacon? no brainer.)

i gained back pain that makes me feel like im 30 years my senior.

and holy crap i became a family.

i learned many a thing:

infants can projectile pop up to their necks.

they can also vomit out of their nose and it is terrifying.

they can stretch in ways that every adult man wants every adult woman to stretch.

they will be awake when you are tired' and once you get your second wind, they will sleep. you arent likely to "sleep when they sleep".

Babies arent as expensive as people make them out to be...if you dont factor in diapers. i find it a crime that you can pay 25 bones for either 120 newborn diapers...or 80 size 5s, additionally newborns use twice as many. I call TOTAL bs!

you may not ever correctly know your childs shoe size until they slow their roll and you might very well buy a pair of shoes that are too small.

you will forget something EVERY TIME you leave a friends house or event, be it a bottle, a pacifier, or something else equally important. furthermore, to add insult to your injury, you will get that sneaking suspicion ahead of time that you HAVE forgotten, only to ignore it and then realize how critical that instinct was.

you will begin to hate all of your friends who offer unsolicited advice, but you will really only surround yourself with friends that are parents, at least for awhile...and then you may, try as you might, let something unsolicited slip out. fuck. you have become one of THOSE parents.

there are a lot of things that have changed in my life since my son was born.

this blog is simply a catalog of the events and thoughts that have transpired. also blogs from other mother friends written for your entertainment.

"baby book" you can find it at www.dear-julian.blogspot.com

and remember ladies (and gents), we're the luckiest people alive to be parents, but we have always been alive. :]

ma.