the downs and Up of pregnancy.

pregnancy.

its something that is so important, yet so completely and utterly disgusting.

for weeks you vomit. for no reason. sometimes after a meal. sometimes when you wake up. sometimes when you smell a food. sometimes when you see a food. sometimes when you lay down. when you sit up. when you stand. when you recline. when you talk. move. sleep. wake. you THROW UP.

but then you go to the doctor and you hear the heartbeat. and you smile. and suddenly you forget everything that sucks.

until you get in the car and the drive home makes you VOMIT.

then that passes.

and then you CANT POOP.

you try and try and you cant.

you drink juice and nothing happens.

you sit there and nothing happens.

you eat fruit and metamucil by the lb and nothing happens.

no poop.

then comes the gas. you pass and pass and pass and still, YOU NO POO!

then you go to the doctor, you see your baby on the screen and the doctor tells you the gender. suddenly you become even more connected to the baby. it comes with a name and a personality! it gets a PRONOUN!

its incredible and it makes you SO happy.

(even though you have about 5 additional pounds of fecal waste that has YET TO VOID ITSELF.)

then comes the real fun.

you fart. you ache. you pain. you swell.

your ankles disappear, retreating into your feet like a turtle head.

your legs get stretch marks. your thighs get stretch marks. you get stretch marks on your butt, your hips, your stomach, your pelvis, your boobs.

your belly button starts to harden...and you wonder which way it will go.

and if youre really lucky? your boobs leak. like little bulls-eyes of liquid on your shirts at inappropriate times.

you waddle to and fro. you moan when you roll over. you hyperventilate trying to catch your breath after walking up the 4 steps to the doorway of your house.

your socks begin to leave a rash on the artists formerly known as your ankles.

your shoes dont fit.

your jeans suddenly get elastic.

you start wearing dresses out of necessity not fashion.

you begin to notice you use so much deodorant that you may as well invest in Secret.

at this point youre well into the third trimester. Top of the 9th inning. youve got maybe 4-6 weeks to go and suddenly the fun really starts.

people say all the time "you havent POPPED yet?" or "when IS that baby coming?" or "you are getting SO big!" as if all of these are fun to hear.

and then you start to have really great conversations with your doctor.

Discharge. and then you must describe it. watery, mucusy, clear or white. scented or unscented.

Mucus Plug. *shudder*

Bloody Show.

Hemorrhoids.

everywhere you turn there are nasty terms. nasty side effects. nasty symptoms. nasty-ness.

you start feeling new pains and aches and wondering "what does it all mean?"

and then after 3 weeks of thinking "this is it" your baby will arrive, after having cried wolf so many times, you dont even believe its real labor until youre screaming for an epidural to get close to you and everyone else to get away. either that or your water breaks. you actually begin to hope your water breaks.

if it does? you look down at the puddle around you and think "shoot, now what? i didnt think this thing through." while it will likely happen at home in bed or well into established labor, if youre really lucky? it happens in public.

then your body takes you to a new place. a place you cant explain. a place of unbelievable pain and suffering that by logic should onlky take 5 minutes since youve been building up to this discomfort for up to 42 weeks (did you ever to the math to figure that its 10 months?! not 9? and no one prefaces conception by saying...now this MAY go to 42 weeks....). nope it will take anywhere from 12-30 hours for a normal labor...and the pushing that trakes 10 minutes in movies? can take anywhere from 1-4 hours in a new mother.

you rip.

you burn.

you cry.

you scream.

or if you got the epic spine shot, you feel nothing in your legs and you pee and poo on yourself.

but then...you see that baby. and its incredible.

and 4 months later you wanna do it all over again.

because youre naive and silly. :)

sigh.

okay. these words were spoken from a 37 week pregnant female.

ill check back with my true feelings when NOT in prodromal labor for the 5th day :)

love you baby girl.